How the Brain Team Deals with Emotional Upsets

Adventure: The Brain Team copes when a best friend moves away

1. Emo sends a distress signal that it feels awful lonely and sad. Recently a best friend has moved away. Emo senses the upset and worry, which turn into signals that go to Rep. Rep is very sensitive to any alarming reaction, and Emo’s fear “impulses” trigger a general Brain Team alarm that there’s stress we can’t handle. Rep’s role is to send the “danger” warning everyone on the team that it's time to go into “protection” mode. This happens very quickly since Emo & Rep communicate instantly with each other using instinctive messages called "impulses." Brain Team instinctive messages travel much faster than thinking processes that Captain Neo uses. Emo and Rep remember that as a small helpless baby brain we needed to be loved, nurtured and be close with mother or we’ll die.

2. Rep, the team's expert on defending us, gets Emo’s message and starts getting ready to act since it seems something dangerous might be happening. Emo and Rep’s warnings trigger the release of stress hormones that prepare us to either attack or hide. But Rep may not know who to attack or how to hide from this hurt. Emo feels the upset and stress first, but doesn’t always know what it comes from. These two instinctive brains just know something hurts inside. To figure out what’s causing this stress and sense of danger they’ll need help of Neo’s thinking brain power. It's one thing to feel something is “wrong” or hurts. It’s another to realize why we feel that way. So Captain Neo gets the distress signal.

3. Neo has a huge memory bank that keeps track of the last time Emo or Rep got so worried and upset. But Neo is the only part of the Brain Team that can name what Emo and Rep are sensing. Neo recalls words that describe the feelings when someone you really like is no longer near to you and be your friend. That’s what Neo realizes happened just before Emo and Rep got so upset. The names that Neo remembers for that kind of hurt are the words “rejection” and “loss.” (You can learn more about these kinds of words Neo has learned. Neo is an expert on naming different kinds of upsets. You can visit the Coping Challenges section now or after you've finished this adventure.)

4. Neo is important when we’re trying to cope with an upset since it can understand what Rep and Emo can’t. For example, Neo “figured out” that when a best friend goes away it's usually not a physical threat to our life. So the upset must be due to Emo’s emotional sense of “loss” and “rejection.” Neo knows that the first thing to do is calm down both Emo and Rep since they get pretty worried and afraid when they get upset like this. Neo tells Emo and Rep “You can stop sending out stress signals now since this is not a threat to our life. This is an emotionally painful experience that may seem like a matter of life or death. But Neo uses its coping skills memory bank and recalls those things that make us feel lonely, sad and mad because a best friend moves away. Neo reassures the two other sensitive team members that “By working together we can handle this hurtful experience by using Neo’s powerful brain to use coping skills Neo keeps in its large memory bank.

 

5. Captain Neo remembers that Emo and Rep can easily get out of control when a stressful experience happens. Neo knows that the other team members can’t think or name what they sense or feel. Instincts don’t come with words. So Neo has to use its big brain to try and keep Rep and Emo from getting over so upset that they might stop listening to the Captain’s higher brain messages. Neo remembers that stress can also change the way we feel about our self. Pain of any kind registers in the brain. The biggest problem Neo has is making sure the other two instinctive brains listen to the coping messages its thinking brain sends down to them. Sometimes Emo and Rep just don't listen to what Neo has to say. That’s why we call them “impulsive brain” team members.

6. Now it's time for you to pretend you’re one of the Brain Team members, and imagine different ways the Brain Team might react if a loss or rejection happened to you. What would happen if Rep takes control of how we cope, and Emo is afraid to “talk” to Neo about what its feeling. We might get angry because we’re so worried that losing a good friend is "more than I can handle." The bigger the loss seems if we really liked the friend that moved away. Emo, who realizes how warm and nice it feels to have a good friend, might not even have its hurt feelings get through to Captain Neo. Why? Often it's Rep that takes over coping with an upset. Rep might throw a tantrum that only makes the stress even worse. Emo could mistake the pain it feels and believe “Nobody likes me!” or “I don’t have any friends now.” Rep may want to get even for Emo’s pain by saying or doing mean things to others. Rep is the one that has a strong impulse to get revenge when something upsets itself or Emo. What started out as a disappointment from losing a friend can turn into wanting to hurt some other person’s feelings. That is just what a bully might do.